It happened to Neil Taft, an 81-year-old great-great grandpa, author, and grandparenting advocate. He was filling in as a last-minute guest on “Rebel Rootz,” a podcast hosted by Evonne, a businesswoman in her late 40s who was about to become a grandmother herself. The show typically features young women navigating careers and relationships. Neil was, by his own admission, a fish out of water.
But Evonne is a skilled interviewer. About halfway through their 30-plus minute conversation, she asked the question that changed everything.
Evonne: “What do you think the biggest mistake grandparents make in connecting with their grandchildren?”
Neil: “Not taking real good care of their mother.”
Evonne: “Really?”
Neil: “The daughter-in-law or daughter is the queen on the throne. She controls whether or not you will see your grandchildren, through thick and thin, through marriage and divorce, through anything. People tend to side with their son in a divorce, and the daughter-in-law goes off and decides they’re out of the picture. Or they remarry, and if you don’t have a strong relationship with the mother of your grandchildren, you are out of luck. Every court in the country will back that. The mother of those children is the most important one of all of them.”
Evonne posted that clip on TikTok. It received 1.9 million views and more than 2,000 comments. The overwhelming majority came from mothers of grandchildren who felt seen.
Neil is not asking you to agree with every word. But the numbers are hard to ignore. Here is what this moment tells us:
The mother relationship is the hinge. Whether your grandchildren are in your life consistently often comes down to your relationship with their mother, not just your son or daughter.
Fairness is not a strategy. Wishing things were different, or waiting for someone else to make the first move, costs you time with the people who matter most.
Focus on what you can control. You cannot control a divorce, a remarriage, or a custody arrangement. You can control how you show up for the mother of your grandchildren, consistently and without conditions.
The prize is your grandchildren. Everything else is noise.
Think Serenity Prayer.
For more on building the relationships that keep you close to your grandchildren, explore the resources at caringgrandparents.com.
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