The Holy Grail of family relationships for Grandparents is Lasting, Meaningful Relationships. Here are some best practices for your consideration.
Lasting - There are several people to consider to help make a connection with your Grandchild a reality.
The easiest ones are the Grandchildren themselves. You are in if you see them just as they are and meet them there. This, of course, changes as they grow, but that allows you as a Grandparent to grow as well. This seeing them as they are is in no way related to permissiveness. It is related to seeing them deeply. Understanding who and where they are with compassion and consideration for their world. If you are willing to meet them on the corner of their interests, where it intersects with their interests, you are in the right place. They want to feel they matter, and you show that to them by becoming interested in their interests, friends, challenges, strengths, hopes, and dreams and effectively communicating that to them.
A lasting relationship with your Grandchild must be anchored by honoring their parents. A true partnership is the most effective means to cement the longevity and quality of your relationship with your Grandchild. If a conflict arises, and it will, respectful communication is the best path. As a Grandparent, you will have to earn the trust of their parents—not one but both. As with the child, it is essential to maintain effective communication with all parents.
An oft-forgotten stakeholder is the other Grandparents and the rest of the in-laws' family. These are not folks you have chosen, but they influence at least half of your Grandchild's parents. Losing sight of this part of the family may have consequences.
A healthy consideration of all these folks will increase your odds of a long and meaningful relationship with your Grandchild/Grandchildren.
Making this Connection Meaningful: Make no mistake, ignoring the first part of this conversation will severely hamper, if not preclude, this part of the equation. Assuming you are getting a grade on the Lasting part, the highest and best path to Meaningfulness is to create a Secure Attachment with each of your Grandkids. Among other things, the ideal qualification for Secure Attachment is TRUST. As a Youth Minister, I encouraged my young folks to find and maintain someone significant to them other than a parent in their lives. If you become that person your Grandchild can depend on to be there, you will have the makings of a Secure Attachment. There are many benefits to this kind of relationship. As a trusted Grandparent, you can impart a sense of comfort and reliability in a seemingly chaotic world. A safe place, if you will. You will be helping with things like self-worth, emotional intelligence, resilience, decision-making, and more
Secured Attachment manifests itself in healthy relationships, positive mental health, and better overall outcomes for our Grandchildren. The benefits are meaningful, many, and long-lasting.
I purposefully set Secure Attachment up as a Lofty Goal.
This brings us finally to Connection. As such our Grandkids get a feeling of attachment one gets when they feel comfortable that this is the real thing. This is not a passing feeling but a deep-seated knowledge of being cared for. Truly blessed are the Grandparents and Grandkids who come close to this goal but equally blessed are those that keep trying. It is when I am trying with all my might to reach this goal that I am the best Grandpa I can possibly be. I am on purpose as a Caring Grandparent. Not all of our efforts will land perfectly, but ALL will have a positive effect, even if we can't see it now. Grandchildren remember those who help them feel like they matter. They can read intent from across the room.
For these reasons, I encourage you to strive for Lasting, Meaningful Connections with every one of your Grandchildren.
Thank You for being a Caring Grandparent. Grandpa Neil
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