The Grandfather My Children Never Had
There’s a strange kind of grief that comes from missing someone who is still alive.
Not because they died.
Not because they disappeared completely.
But because they simply were never really there.
When your father is absent from your life, people often focus on your pain as the child. And yes, that pain matters. It shapes you. It teaches you things earlier than you should have to learn them. It can make you independent, guarded, resilient, angry, compassionate, or all of those things at once.
But what people don’t talk about enough is the ripple effect.
Because when a father is absent from your life, sometimes your children and grandchildren lose someone too.
My kids grew up without a grandfather from my side. My grandkids now grow up without a great-grandfather present. And sometimes I sit with the complicated reality of that. Part of me thinks: Maybe it’s a blessing.
Because the truth is, he was not a good father to me. His absence, his choices, his inability or unwillingness to show up created wounds I had to spend years understanding and healing from. So naturally, there’s a protective part of me that says maybe my children were spared disappointment, confusion, inconsistency, or hurt. Maybe distance was the safer thing.
But another part of me wonders something I will never have the answer to:
What if he had been a better grandfather than he was a father?
People do change sometimes. Age softens some people. Regret changes some people. Time humbles some people. Maybe seeing grandchildren would have awakened something gentler in him. Maybe he would have shown up differently for them. Maybe he would have laughed more, listened more, loved more. Or maybe not.
That’s the hardest part: We will never know.
And there’s another layer people rarely discuss — the invisible effect of absence. When someone is missing from a family structure, you can’t always measure the impact clearly. You don’t know whether the absence protected people or deprived them. Sometimes it’s both at the same time.
My children may have missed out on stories, wisdom, traditions, support, or connection. Or maybe they missed out on chaos, hurt, and disappointment.
The truth may live somewhere in the middle. And that ambiguity can sit quietly in your spirit for years.
I think many adults who grew up without present fathers eventually ask themselves:
“What was lost?” But also: “What damage was avoided?” Those are heavy questions.
Questions without neat endings.
What I do know is this: Cycles make people think deeply.
When you become a parent and then a grandparent, you start looking backward and forward at the same time. You realize family patterns echo through generations. You notice what was given to you… and what wasn’t. You become aware of the emotional inheritance people pass down without even realizing it.
Sometimes the greatest gift we can give our children is not perfection. It’s awareness. It’s choosing presence. It’s choosing honesty. It’s choosing to stay emotionally available even when life gets hard. And maybe that’s how healing begins.
Not by rewriting the past. Not by pretending the absence didn’t matter. But by becoming intentional about what happens next.
I may never fully understand the effect my father’s absence had on me, my children, or my grandchildren. Some effects are visible. Some are silent. Some may not reveal themselves for generations.
But I do know this: Love that is present matters. Consistency matters. Being there matters.
The Author
Dr. James Lott, Jr., CTACC, CDC, CNA, CHOC, PMO, OA, DD, Certified Professional Organizer, is the Founder/CEO of The Super Organizer, LLC, and of the Online Network/Entertainment Company JLJ Media. He is a National Speaker/Teacher and Certified Life Coach. He founded and runs the JLJ Media network of over 80 shows (audio and video).
Certified by the Coach Training Alliance, James has been a Certified Life Coach for the past 15 years. He is certified in General Life, Media, Home and Office Organization, and Divorce Coaching. James also holds a Doctorate in Divinity. He also has the weekly Grandparent podcast, Really! I’m a Grandparent and was a Board Chairman of both the SF Church of Compassion and the Harvey Milk Institute.
10 years running, James has one of only several weekly Organizing shows called THE SOS SHOW with James Lott Jr. James is a Number One best-selling Amazon author and has over 60 books. He has several published songs about Organizing. He has been featured in Forbes, Homes & Gardens, Apartment Therapy, and made history on Jimmy Kimmel Live in 2021. James just celebrated 16 years as a Professional Organizer.
James is also a National Keynote Speaker speaking for organizations like: The National Association of Productivity & Organizers, National Association of Perinatal Social Workers, Culver City Garden Club, and Transworld Schools. And has a presentation on UCLA website.
James is a father of two grown daughters and four grandsons and one granddaughter.