The 11th Commandment: Honor the Parents
In my books on purposeful grandparenting, I frequently advocate for a rule that often surprises readers. I call it the 11th Commandment:
"Thou shalt honor the parents of your grandchildren."
Your immediate reaction might be defensive. You might wonder why you should honor them if they aren’t open to spontaneous visits or if they parent differently than you did. This is particularly difficult when your son-in-law or daughter-in-law clashes with your personality or values. I understand this struggle intimately.
However, notice the specific wording. The commandment is not “Thou shalt agree with the parents.” You do not have to like their choices, their schedules, or their parenting philosophies. You simply must honor their position as the primary authority in your grandchildren’s lives. This distinction is the foundation of modern family harmony. By respecting the gatekeepers, you ensure the gate remains open for you to have a relationship with your grandchildren.
Understanding the Feelings vs. Behavior Distinction
Your immediate reaction might be defensive. You might wonder why you should honor them if they aren’t open to spontaneous visits or if they parent differently than you did. This is particularly difficult when your son-in-law or daughter-in-law clashes with your personality or values. I understand this struggle intimately.
However, notice the specific wording. The commandment is not “Thou shalt agree with the parents.” You do not have to like their choices, their schedules, or their parenting philosophies. You simply must honor their position as the primary authority in your grandchildren’s lives. This distinction is the foundation of modern family harmony. By respecting the gatekeepers, you ensure the gate remains open for you to have a relationship with your grandchildren.
The Danger of Unsolicited Advice
One of the quickest ways to erode a relationship with your adult children is offering help they did not ask for. We often view our advice as a generous gift wrapped in wisdom. Unfortunately, to an overwhelmed young parent, unsolicited advice often sounds like criticism.
When you jump in with “suggestions” on feeding, discipline, or sleep schedules, the underlying message received is often: “You are doing this wrong, and I know better.”
Even if you do know better, silence is often the strategic choice. Your wisdom is a resource to be accessed, not a lecture to be broadcast. I recommend a strict policy regarding advice:
Wait until you are explicitly asked.
Frame your answer carefully within the context of their specific situation.
Offer it as an option, not a mandate.
When you hold back, you create a safe space where your children feel competent. Ironically, when they feel less judged, they are far more likely to eventually ask for your input.
Offer it as an option, not a mandate.
Redefining Your Role as a Grandparent
The transition from parent to grandparent requires a fundamental shift in identity. Your children have grown up, found partners, and established independent family units. In Western culture specifically, the nuclear family is autonomous.
This means the new couple is now the board of directors for their family life. You have moved from being the CEO to being a consultant—and consultants only speak when hired.
You may know the partner’s flaws. You may see inefficiencies in how they run their home. However, railing against this reality is futile. They are the parents, and these are their children. Accepting this hierarchy is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of respect.
When you fight for control, you create tension that trickles down to the grandchildren. When you accept your role as a supportive secondary figure, you remove the power struggle. This allows the parents to relax their guard, which usually results in more access and time with your grandkids.
Building Stronger Family Relationships
The ultimate goal of the 11th Commandment is the well-being of the grandchildren. Kids thrive when they are surrounded by a village of loving adults who respect one another.
If you constantly battle the parents, the children sense the friction. If you undermine their authority, you confuse the children. Conversely, when you support the parents’ efforts—even when you disagree—you contribute to a stable, loving environment.
The Challenge: Putting It Into Practice
I offer you this challenge not because it is easy, but because the return on investment is immense.
- Bite your tongue when you want to critique a parenting choice.
- Respect their “no” regarding schedules or visits without guilt-tripping.
- Praise their efforts publicly, even if you struggle with their methods privately.
By honoring the parents, you secure your place in the family circle. You ensure that your relationship with your grandchildren is not a battleground, but a legacy of love.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the 11th Commandment?
“Thou shalt honor the parents of your grandchildren.” It means respecting your adult children’s authority over their own families, even if you disagree with their parenting choices or don’t like their spouse.
Do I have to agree with my children’s parenting?
No. You must honor their position as primary authority, but you don’t have to agree with their choices, schedules, or philosophies. Respecting their role doesn’t mean liking everything they do.
Why is unsolicited advice harmful?
Unsolicited advice sounds like criticism to overwhelmed parents, even when well-intentioned. Wait until explicitly asked, then offer suggestions as options, not mandates, to help them feel competent rather than judged.
How has the grandparent role changed?
You’ve transitioned from CEO (parent) to consultant (grandparent). Your adult children’s nuclear family is now autonomous, and you should only offer input when hired to do so.
What’s the real benefit of honoring parents?
Children thrive when surrounded by loving adults who respect each other. By supporting parents—even when disagreeing—you create stability and actually secure more access and quality time with your grandchildren.