Categories: Blogs

The Extended Family

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neil

If we do our job as parents correctly our kids will leave home and find a life partner. Hopefully that will result in Grandchildren. No matter, the family expands in a way that we don’t have much say about. Not only our children's partners but by extension their family members become our extended family. This can be anywhere from exciting to terrifying depending on our children’s choices of life partners.

A family is a place where principles are hammered and honed on the anvil of everyday living.

Charles R. Swindoll

It is fair for you to ask where this author is going with this drivel. It is clear to me that almost every family I know deals with a version of this concept. We do not play a major part in the selection process of our children's choices of life partners. I can’t recall being asked but when we meet said partner the question becomes, “Now what?” Or as one of my favorite TV dad says at the dinner table of the TV series “Blue Bloods”, It is what you do next that counts.

In my Youth Ministry days, I was called upon to act wisely about things that could not be changed after the fact. I would sit and listen to the various woes of the various young people in my group. Whether it was an individual or the entire group I relied on a saying that an artist friend of mine made into a plaque that still, 50 years later, hangs in my living room. The saying goes like this. “So sad, Too bad, So what, Now what?”

The wisdom of that saying is that it first recognizes the negative situation, acknowledges the gravity of the situation, states the obvious fact that changing the past is a non-starter and finally asks the question that points to the only course of action. This isn’t necessarily the case in all extended families but consideration and care in thinking this through will go a long way to what happens in the future.

Let me restate, wishing it weren’t so is not a useful strategy.

This applies doubly if you are the Paternal Grandparents in this extended family. This is just the nature of extended families and the hierarchy of these extended families. I am not asking you to like it. I am just telling you that the research is clear, it is incumbent upon you as Grandparents to find a way to operate within the structure of your extended family if you desire to maintain Lasting Meaningful Connections with your Grandchildren. There is simply no upside for you or your Grandkids to wish things were different. There is, however, a bright upside if you learn what is working and do all that you can to make those kinds of things happen.

Lest you think I am advocating that the entire extended family regularly gathers around the campfire, arm in arm, singing Kumbaya, I am not.

What I am suggesting is that you at least reserve judgment and at best find common ground. An effective way to frame this idea is to consider that another word for common ground is Grandchildren.

Even though most extended families are pretty functional it is still good to keep your ear to the ground and constantly adjust to the current circumstances. A good example is what happened to me a little over ten years ago.

Almost 20 years ago my son married a delightful young lady, and they brought me this absolutely beautiful and wonderful Granddaughter. Still the Love of my life. However, I digress. When my Granddaughter was around 8 or 9 her parents ran on rocky marital times. They ultimately divorced. During this time my natural tendency would have been to choose to side with my son and the normal outcome of that would have been to alienate my daughter-in-law and consequently resulting in my being cut off from my Granddaughter. By divine wisdom, for which I am eternally grateful, I chose to stay clear of the fray. I continued to respect my daughter-in-law and support how she was raising my Granddaughter. I maintained an open and functional relationship with her when it came to my time with my Granddaughter. To this day she and I have a good relationship and as a result I enjoy significant and quality time with my still beautiful and wonderful Granddaughter.

I had a wise teacher that once said, “The main thing is to keep the main thing, the main thing.” Mission accomplished.

I am just telling you that the research is clear, it is incumbent upon you as Grandparents to find a way to operate within the structure of your extended family if you desire to maintain Lasting Meaningful Connections with your Grandchildren. There is simply no upside for you or your Grandkids to wish things were different.

neil