Misperceptions and Lack of Knowledge Cause Complications in Extended Families
Why Is the Quest for Grandparents’ Rights So Hard?
January 28, 2025
Becoming a Caring Grandparent begins considerably BEFORE your first Grandchild is born. In most cases, this time of early Grandparenthood goes smoothly. This is a time of great Joy and celebration, but it is also a time of heightened emotions with a group of people who are just now getting to know each other. I am a firm believer in the goodness of folks, especially Grandparents, given the right information. I am not naive enough to think that there are no bad actors, but my interaction with thousands of grandparents has informed me that it is mostly misperceptions and lack of knowledge that cause complications in extended families. It is in this spirit that I have written this and several other books on Grandparenting. My single focus is to raise and maintain the best interest of the Grandchildren.
In my book “Good to Great Grandparenting,” I told a story of a clueless in-law couple approaching the birth of their first Grandchild. The story is worth repeating here since it points to the essence of a lack of consideration for ALL the players in this drama of what can be a miraculous and life-enhancing event in any family. This is an example of well-meaning people who fail to think through and consider their words and actions.
Let’s listen in on an all-too-common story surrounding two sets of Grandparents approaching the birth of their first miracle. The maternal Grandparents, Bill and Louise, live locally, and they’ve had a really close relationship with their now 19-year-old daughter, Lucy. The year before, when their daughter came home to announce that she and Andy were engaged after a short and sometimes tumultuous courtship, they feigned excitement and approval. In the privacy of their own home, however, they often wondered out loud to each other if and just how this whole thing would work out. But they remained quiet about it. Their daughter was determined, so to support her, they went along.
Their fun-loving future son-in-law's parents, Brad and Mindy, were nice enough but the kind of people who would whisk into town for a quick visit with the newly married kids and dinner with their daughter-in-law's parents, and off they would go. At this first dinner, the talk was jovial but didn't land as meaningful and sincere; however, once again, Bill and Louise, behind closed doors, were concerned.
As the birth event approached, Andy’s parents again whisked into town to stay at their son’s home without checking ahead to see if that was okay. Andy merely announced to Lucy that they were coming to stay with them for a couple of days. He made this announcement to Lucy as they were on the way to the hospital for the delivery. Lucy had too much going on to challenge this, but she did feel uneasy and left out of the conversation.
Everyone rushed to the hospital only to endure a long and difficult labor of nearly 12 hours. Louise was glued to her daughter’s bedside with concern and sympathy while Lucy’s father was pacing the floor in the waiting room with equal concern. Meanwhile, Brad and Mindy were in and out, obviously annoyed that this was taking so long. As the birth approached, soon-to-be Grandma Mindy inserted herself into the conversation to say she wanted to be in the delivery room as well. She stated that the reason was that this was her first grandchild, too. This time, Lucy told her mother that she didn’t want anyone but her mother and her husband in the delivery room. You could feel the tension building as seeds of resentment were being planted.
Now Louise, Lucy’s gentle Mom, was being tasked with telling Mindy that her daughter didn’t want anyone but her own mother and her husband Andy in the delivery room. This added to the drama of a concerned mother and a now indignant mother-in-law at an event steeped in fatigue and emotion. This is a critical juncture in everyone's life. Clueless father-in-law Brad just wants to know what the big deal is.
It is, unfortunately, stories like this that can suck the miracle part right out of the miracle of the birth of the first Grandchild. This is something, no matter the difficulty, that needs to be talked about ahead of time. Mark my words; this is a time in this and everyone's family life that sets the tone for how the family will function, or not, going forward. This is the time that the seeds of resentment are planted, only to grow over time.
The essential thought is to be considerate. It will serve you well to carefully consider the parents' wishes as well as their often sleep-deprived state of anxiety and feeling emotionally overwhelmed. It is also important to consider your relationship, especially with the mother of this miracle. It is normal for the new mother to want her own Mom to be close to this event, but after that, the picture is not so clear. It allows everyone to talk about this openly before the event. If you are the Maternal Grandma, you may be closer to the mother than the Paternal Grandma. While everyone wants to rush in, it is important to offer support but lay back a bit until the appropriate time to be invited in. Your enthusiasm and willingness to be a part of the event may be more about satisfying your own desire to connect with this new bundle of joy and not so much about the new family. I have yet to meet the Grandchild who chastised their grandparents for not being present in the delivery room when they came out.
Emotions are high, and memories are long-lasting. There will be plenty of bonding time to come and enough Love to go around. One last time, please consider the importance of this monumental family event.
It is stories like these that point out where the seeds of resentment and anger are planted. Only “IF” the mother-in-law had put herself in the shoes of this scared, tired, and insecure 19-year-old birth mother, I am confident that the outcome would have been so much better for all concerned. This is not the story of a mother-in-law with bad intentions; it is merely a story of a new grandparent who didn’t take into consideration the feelings of all those involved. Consider replacing your ego in this moment with an understanding of this moment. A miracle is happening, and some people put themselves ahead of the miracle and the scared 19-year-old girl who is giving this event her all. The revealing truth is that this 19-year-old lady is the primary decision maker when it comes to how much involvement these grandparents will have with their grandchildren in the future. To be succinct, treat the new mother like the gatekeeper for your Grandchild……. because she is.
I am a firm believer in the goodness of folks, especially Grandparents, given the right information. I am not naive enough to think that there are no bad actors, but my interaction with thousands of grandparents has informed me that it is mostly misperceptions and lack of knowledge that cause complications in extended families.
